Our Journey

 

I write this story in advance of an unknown ending. I pray that that ending is one that is positive and in line with our hopes and dreams. I am a proud Christian. Someone who will tell you that he shares a strong relationship with God and the Holy Spirit. Someone who will also tell you that he has many shortcomings, weaknesses, and fears. I am strengthened by my brothers - iron sharpens iron. I pray to be a better witness and leader on a daily basis. God is the author of our lives but sometimes he just wants us to be the ones who read the script out loud. This is our story, my testimony, and one example of my “why”.

Many may be unaware but when my wife Amanda and I began our pursuit of growing our family, we had a significant amount of challenges that had to be overcome due to preexisting medical conditions. These were conditions that are common but that frankly I could not appreciate the gravity of. PCOS can cause (as in our case) women to be extremely irregular and potentially infertile. We used to go back and forth about how many kids we would have. I used to joke that the answer was six and Amanda’s retort was always “only if you plan to carry them”. I had no idea that to have our first would become such a trial. In retrospect, it is ironic that my dad while growing up frequently made mention of the fact that having the blessing of starting a family is not a foregone conclusion as he discretely indicated that not everyone is so fortunate. I never considered that such an outcome was a possibility.

After we married in 2016, Amanda and I agreed to enjoy married life for at least a year before attempting to grow our family. Thankfully, despite my strongest attempts, Amanda once more proved to be persuasive and fast forwarded my timeline because not surprisingly, she knew better. So it was the case that after about 10 months of marriage that we stopped the whole “not trying” approach. Per the previously aforementioned mindset, I anticipated that we would be blessed with a child in the immediate future. The proceeding events were challenging. However, after many months of trying naturally and eventually consulting with a fertility specialist (Dr. Hayes), we were beyond excited to learn that our prayers had been answered, Amanda was pregnant, and in July of 2018, Layla Grace was born.

                While Layla was first adorning us with her ever-beautiful presence and unrelenting spunk, we agreed that we would like to have another child, however, we wanted to wait until Amanda was at least done breast-feeding before starting to try again. For reasons beyond my comprehension, it was our anticipation that once this concluded, her body would kickstart itself and likely reset from a fertility perspective. I was also led to believe after speaking with many other people that had faced similar challenges, that after initial bouts with infertility, many couples have lesser number of issues when they attempt to become pregnant a second time. Unfortunately, it was not surprising that this wasn’t our situation and this is where the trials, tribulations, and truths began to unfold.

                We consulted with the same fertility specialist that assisted us with getting pregnant with Layla. We attempted the same approach and strategy but to no avail. Our efforts were further complicated by the fact that after Layla was born, Amanda had had some post-partum difficulties that ultimately required a relatively routine procedure that typically carries no significant risk of repercussions. However, due to this procedure, Amanda found herself with relatively significant scarring which in turn caused additional challenges relative to ovulation. After multiple attempts, our doctor told us that she was uncertain about how to proceed. Incredibly she then shared with us that she had had a dream about us that involved a colleague of hers at a separate practice, who she felt may be better suited to provide guidance moving forward. Enter Dr. Wortman.

                Dr. Wortman is one of those individuals that is very polarizing. His practice is known for abortions but to an almost equal degree, is also known for the significant assistance they provide in reproductive procedures and treatments. I’ll be honest that I wasn’t very comfortable walking into his office, but after meeting him, we found ourselves feeling very fortunate to have been introduced. His persona was very much that of a father-figure. He offered anecdotes and truths from his past about himself and his family, and he offered hope and provided trust that he would help us if he was able. In order to see if he could help, he scheduled Amanda for a procedure known as a hysteroscopy, so that he could effectively take a peak under the hood and determine if there was a direct cause for the lack of our success. This was April of 2020, right after NYS had effectively shut itself down, and only patients were permitted to enter doctor’s offices so I knew the news was not positive when he instructed one of the members of his team to forego the precautions and to have me join him in his office. His words, in a single breath, continue to haunt me. “It’s not good”. Simple. Direct. “Amanda can not get pregnant”. He then elaborated to explain that the scarring was much more severe than feared. He concluded that the damaged tissue consumed between 50%-70% of her uterus. The right ovarian tube was completely blocked. He then continued and stated that while pregnancy was technically feasible, the conditions were dangerous and would almost certainly result in either a miscarriage or worse, Amanda’s death. He diagnosed her with Asherman’s syndrome, and reiterated his verdict by stating that if Amanda were his daughter, he would urge her to not pursue any future pregnancies. His words still haunt me.

                After a lot of tears and frustration, we refocused and renewed our dedication to our daughter. We tried to accept the terms of our condition, but it was far more challenging than expected. We agreed that we have too much love to share. I was frustrated. Amanda was downright angry with God. She blamed herself and was driven by this fear that I would leave her to pursue a larger family. It took a lot of effort to explain a simple truth. I didn’t just want more kids. I wanted her to be the mother of those kids. Over time, we realized that we had few choices to consider. We could resign our efforts and accept the amazing blessing that Layla is. We could consider adoption. Or we could consider surrogacy.

                Let’s face facts. We weren’t going to resign. Our passion for growing our family was too strong. We strongly considered adoption but for whatever reason, we were unable to come to peace with such a conclusion. So, we investigated surrogacy.

                Interestingly enough when we initiated this conversation, we spoke once more with Dr. Hayes who advised us that the laws in NYS were currently far more favorable than what the internet would lead you to believe. Essentially the costs were not nearly as burdensome because NYS still permitted you to identify a volunteer surrogate, and not involve an agency so the six-figure price tag that pops up when you research surrogacy was irrelevant. However, her caution was that we would still need to find someone who was not only willing to volunteer, but someone who would be willing and joyful to do so. Enter Kelly.

                When we had this conversation with Dr. Hayes, Amanda and I both thought to ourselves of one person – Kelly. A faithful believer. An amazing friend of Amanda’s since childhood. Someone who has a beautiful family of her own already established. However, we knew it would be a lot to ask. It was about three months later that we met with Kelly and her husband, Brian, to go for a hike with the dogs and with their son, Noah, during which we shared our story. Kelly was downright enthusiastic about being willing to help. We were awe-struck yet not surprised. Kelly has always been someone that I think can be aptly described as selfless.  We specifically asked that Kelly and Brian take time to consider the implications of such a decision. I was conflicted myself, and questioned how it would impact our relationship as friends. We didn’t rush any further communication on the topic and several months later, over dinner, we inquired if Kelly and Brian were still willing to move forward. Tears were shed as Kelly said yes, but she and Brian did state that they wanted to continue to be patient and pray about it. Vibes were positive. We were nervous but excited.

                Several weeks later, Amanda met with Kelly for coffee and some window shopping at the mall. It was at this time that Kelly shared with us that she and Brian were not able to come to peace with this decision. Kelly couldn’t tell us a reason other than that she and Brian felt uneasy. I was shocked, hurt, and even angry. We had been through so many heartaches already but this felt personal. I anticipated that Kelly and Brian may have questions and concerns, but it seemed to me that they were committed and only likely to not move forward if they were told by their doctor that it wasn’t a safe decision. I was fearful of them being told no, but never considered that they may simply feel that they were never told yes.

                The next several weeks were challenging. I was in pain. I was anxious. I was unsure of how to support Amanda and we were back to the drawing board. Do we ask someone else? Do we give up? How do we move forward? These were all questions that we were constantly debating by ourselves and with each other. Despite all of this, it is as this stage of this story, that I will begin to argue that if you don’t feel that God intercedes within your life on a routine basis, then your eyes are simply not open wide enough. I have had many moments in life when events have occurred outside of my control, and it has been frustrating. However, in retrospect, in most cases, if not all, I have been blessed that the eventual outcome has been positive.

                Months prior, perhaps in August or September, we had scheduled a preliminary meeting with the CNY fertility clinic. Their schedule was booked for several months and we weren’t on their calendar until early in December. I recall that our mindset at the time was that having this meeting would allow us to evaluate the process and options related to surrogacy. It was intended as a general discussion. Perhaps a key consideration that I failed to mention was that we had been advised that the laws in NYS related to surrogacy were set to change in February of 2021. The broad implication was that these updates to the laws would cause for the costs to skyrocket. The timing of all this continues to amaze me. We began this conversation by updating the nurse practitioner/consultant of our circumstances, the steps we had taken and the news that Dr. Wortman had provided to us more than 6 months prior. Somehow, the conversation tilted towards the perspective that a second opinion may be in our best interest. We had resigned ourselves to not pursuing a second opinion after the original diagnosis. It seemed so concrete that we did not want to endure that pain again. However, following Kelly’s decision, and the fact that we had more than aptly met our health insurance deductible for the year (again!), we accepted the idea that there was nothing left to lose by speaking with another physician. The second opinion would require an additional hysteroscopy, and we asked that we be added to a cancellation list in an attempt to be seen before year-end. We couldn’t believe it when we were told that Amanda could be seen the following week. It was at this stage that we met Dr. Kiltz.

                I took PTO on December 17^th. Amanda had her procedure. I am still amazed by the outcome.

                Dr. Kiltz is a polarizing individual. I was surprised to learn that Dr. Kiltz is fiercely religious. He immediately challenged us when he asked Amanda if we would like to know God’s plan for us. When Amanda replied that some sense of direction would be nice, he basically chastised us and stated that we were wrong. We should not want to know God’s plan. I liked Dr. Kiltz immediately. Following Amanda’s second hysteroscopy, which was intended as an opportunity for Dr. Kiltz to provide a second opinion, I was shocked to hear him say, “I don’t see what Dr. Wortman said he saw. There is scarring and a blockage on the right side, but not to the degree that Dr. Wortman explained in his summary.” We continuously pondered how we would have felt had we met with Dr. Kiltz instead of Dr. Wortman back in April. How could this second opinion be so radically different? Did the scarred tissue miraculously disappear? Less than a year prior we were told that we could not have children. Now we were being told that a pregnancy could occur and would be sustainable. Dr. Kiltz did not share the same concerns or fears that Dr. Wortman had.

                We considered our options with Dr. Kiltz and eventually agreed that the emotional roller coaster that we had thus far endured had been punishing enough. It was his recommendation that we consider IVF treatment. While less intensive procedures may have proven to be successful, Amanda and I were ready to use whatever means we had available for us to grow our family.

                For those who are unaware, (which I hope is you if you are taking the time to read this), IVF is expensive, daunting, and time consuming, however, it can also increase your odds of success. The general process is that through hormone therapy (alongside a barrage of other medications), a female is encouraged to overproduce eggs that are then harvested. Amanda went through this procedure and stated firmly afterwards that she would never repeat it again, especially after some short-term reactions put her in the emergency room.  Those eggs are then fertilized with the partner (or donor’s) sperm, and embryos are created in the lab. The fertility clinic then grows those embryos for between 3-5 days, and either completes a fresh transfer, or freezes the embryos for a transfer at a later date. More medications are then utilized (and therapies such as acupuncture are encouraged) to ensure the best conditions possible for a successful implantation. In our case, Amanda had something close to 30 eggs harvested (which is more than average and indicative of her experience associated with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) and ultimately we created 14 healthy embryos. Yes, you are reading that correctly, we have an entire team of little league champions frozen in a lab in Syracuse.

                The next chapter of our story was also wild. On the day that we were scheduled for implantation, we drove to Syracuse and met with another doctor in the CNY fertility clinic. Honestly, I forget his name… He walked us through the process and described what would occur. We chose to only implant one embryo in consideration of the risks that we could otherwise face. To some degree, it was rather rudimentary at this stage and seemingly simplistic to watch the process over the next few minutes. The part of this that I want to share though is that we were told by the staff to not wear any jewelry into the office, as it can apparently have negative consequences. When the doctor came into the room, I noticed that he was also wearing a cross which, just as with Dr. Kiltz, I found to be surprising. More surprising than that though was when he offered to pray with us following the procedure. We graciously accepted and held hands. I still find that to be such a stark contrast to the experience that most people share with medical staff, and I must state that it was incredibly encouraging.

                Following the implantation, I had to learn to give Amanda shots in her bum with some serious needles that caused me to be slightly squeamish. This was to occur for between 2 weeks and 10 weeks depending on whether or not we were successful. We tried to keep our mind off of the matter while we waited for the time to come when we would complete bloodwork and learn of our results. It is incredibly challenging to do this, especially as many of our closest friends knew that we were actively moving forward and most wanted updates even if they were kind enough to not ask directly. We prayed each night and after returning from a road trip to Virginia where we visited our friends, Kara and Bryan, we learned on Monday, April 26^th, that there was a little babe growing in Amanda’s belly!

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                As I write this today, I wish I could say at this juncture that all concerns were assuaged, but it was at this point that we entered yet another stage of a daunting journey. Clearly the risks, or at least perceived risks, of a miscarriage or internal bleeding were elevated. To get beyond eight weeks was exhausting, and I often found myself succumbing to anxiety especially when Amanda would have aches, cramps, or in one instance some unanticipated bleeding that resulted from medication she was taking. We remain cautiously optimistic. I wish we could only focus on a hopeful future, but Dr. Wortman’s words still haunt me. We pray each night for strength to support one another and for the health of Mama and the babe growing inside of her. I remind myself of my faith and am encouraged by my belief that God would have not taken us this far to abandon us.

At this current moment, we are at 15 weeks. We have transitioned to the care of Amanda’s OBGYN practice where we have also been encouraged by Dr. McKnight who has vowed to monitor Amanda closely, but who also remains optimistic. We have seen the little babe dancing inside mama’s belly a handful of times and Layla has even helped take photographs. Our due date is December 31^st and I have never been more excited about increased child-tax credits! We don’t know if we are having a boy or a girl and we are once more determined to keep this secret a surprise until the delivery date arrives.

I write this as a reminder to ourselves of this crazy and challenging journey, but also as a hopeful means of encouraging others. I believe that we are faced with tribulations in an effort to receive encouragement and grow stronger through those moments. I also believe that we are then employed to share that encouragement and strength with others around us. With that being said, we don’t know where the next steps of this journey will take us and as Dr. Kiltz has implored us to believe, perhaps it is in our best interest to not know! However, if you have read this to the end, and want to learn more about our journey, or want to simply discuss your own challenges, we hope and pray that you would be open to seeking ourselves out as a resource as we can listen, share, and pray with one another, and ultimately encourage and grow stronger together. 

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                When I wrote this back in May or June of 2021, little did I know where it would conclude, but as I am slowly starting to understand, life is a journey with a story that is never finished being told. On December 30^th, we welcomed Hailey Lorna Irvine into this world. After showing no interest in being removed from her mother’s warm cozy womb despite her rapidly approaching due date, Amanda began to have contractions that were far stronger than previous rounds as we ate dinner. We had spent the day shopping at Kohl’s, Home Depot, and of course Wegmans, and after taking Layla to gymnastics, we sat down for some pizza. Three pieces of Layla’s favorite, Hawaiian pizza, and a few spicy wings later, Amanda quickly noted that contractions had started occurring well within five minutes of each other, and it only took about ten more minutes, before they were within two minutes of one another.

                Amanda had had some considerable anxiety about delivering this baby in the car on the way to the hospital. Thankfully I did not entirely dismiss this notion because ultimately, this scenario was only narrowly avoided. After Amanda’s parents arrived to watch Layla, we hurried off to Highland Hospital which was only 28 minutes away. Naturally the traffic was not conducive to a hurried mission of this nature, nor was the weather, but by the grace of God, someone who to our knowledge was not a police officer was driving about a quarter mile ahead of us, at 90mph. This gifted us the ability to drive fast without being pulled over as they effectively cleared the route ahead of us.

                We arrived at the hospital and had Amanda escorted to triage, where we promptly informed the nursing staff that our first daughter had been born far faster than anticipated and that we were not in a position to assume that this delivery would be any different. I began a timer only so that I could justify any additional requests for attention in the event that we were being ignored. The message had been received though and after a prompt evaluation, we were transitioned from triage to a delivery room. Amanda arrived without a plan for pain, and that was intentional, just as it had been with Layla. Unfortunately for her though, anesthesia could not arrive fast enough to provide an epidural. Hailey came out with rockets attached to her heels and 56 minutes after arriving at the hospital, she was resting on her mama’s chest. 

                We never forgot Dr. Wortman’s guidance and months later, we may have learned why we were put through that experience. As Hailey was preparing for her debut, we advised the doctor who was quarterbacking the delivery of the circumstances related to Layla’s delivery which ultimately resulted in a retained placenta and a procedure called a D&S. We also advised this doctor of Dr. Wortman’s foreboding guidance. As a precaution she used an ultrasound to review if any retained placenta remained, however, no indications that would promote concern were being represented on the monitor. Amanda’s placenta was somewhat hesitant to release but after some gentle persuasion it was delivered without any significant consequence. Amanda was exhausted and after delivering Hailey without any pain medicine, I now understand the truth behind why women are much tougher than men. My wife is superwoman. In an effort to provide a small amount of assistance, I went to the car to get some water and our other belongings that we had had to leave behind while we were rushing into the hospital. I had this nagging feeling that I shouldn’t have left yet but I dismissed my concerns. On my way back into the hospital, I was met by a nurse who I had actually worked with as a server at a restaurant years prior. He remembered me and advised me that everything was ok even though it was a bit chaotic in the room because of Amanda’s bleeding. I looked at him as if to say, “yeah I know, thanks for the redundant update but everything is under control”. How wrong was I.

                I strolled into the room and was immediately escorted to the side. The staff in the room had multiplied and I now understood why Brian, my former colleague, had advised me to remain calm. Amanda was experiencing a post-partum hemorrhage. I knew the situation was serious by the quite tone of the doctor who was advising the anesthesiologist of the circumstances and reviewing options for sedation. Everything escalated quickly and Amanda was wheeled out of the room for an emergency procedure to help stop the bleeding. In a few short moments, we had gone from deep breaths and sighs of relief as we welcomed our second daughter into the world to sheer panic as I held Hailey’s hand and prayed that I wasn’t about to become a single daddy.

                They escorted me to wait in a lounge in the newborn nursery. I didn’t call any family members because I knew that my lack of knowledge would only fuel more anxiety, both within myself and within others. I did however call the chaplain and prayed alongside him. I also prayed by myself and reached out to just about every Christian brother of mine asking that they hold Amanda in their prayers. Thankfully, less than an hour later, I was relieved to learn that the procedure had gone far better than I feared. I learned that Amanda lost 3.5 liters of blood, and had to have several transfusions the following day. I didn’t even know that was possible.  Again though, as we reflect on the counsel of Dr. Wortman, I question if we would have approached such circumstances in such a cautious manner without that guidance. Maybe that counsel was a forewarning, and without it, we would be in a dramatically different situation today.

                Amanda’s journey didn’t end there of course because why would it? Naturally, we became overly optimistic that we had finally beaten the insurance company having met our deductible many times over in 2021, but Amanda wanted to ensure that we raced to completing our obligation in 2022 as well. As such, she chose to get an infection that resulted in a brief hospital stay of around 36 hours that was resolved with IV antibiotics, or at least that was the consensus. A few short days later, Amanda then spiked a fever of 103.9 and was informed that she was entering the initial stages of sepsis. After an incredibly stressful period of time when we were bounced around the various floors at Highland Hospital, we found ourselves at Strong Memorial Hospital where we ultimately learned after another 5 days that Amanda had to have another D&S procedure, and go on antibiotics to combat E. Coli and a GI infection that had wormed its way into her blood.

                If I told you that I wasn’t getting frustrated at the seeming lack of accommodation that we were praying for, I’d be lying. But yet, I also continue to believe that the only way your faith grows is by having it constantly challenged, much like lifting weights at the gym. You don’t grow unless you stress your body. In my opinion, those same principles absolutely apply to your walk in faith.

Today, we have now been home for 2 weeks. We are adapting to what life is like with two little girls, one of whom is entirely independent if you ask her, and one of whom is entirely dependent, especially on her mama. The lack of sleep is real, but the abundance of joy is overwhelming. Our prayers for both of our girls are that we can lead them in their faith, and that they can be as big a blessing to others in their lives, as they have already proven to be in ours. So far, so good.